If i come over, it means nothing
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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