my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
