I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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