You made me cry and you don't even care
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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