he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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