I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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