somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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