ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
