im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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