Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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