please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
