and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
