It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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