My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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