I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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