Your mouth is God's brothel.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
