i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
