i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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