I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
