sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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