Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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