Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
