If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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