so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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