My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
