I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
