What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
