if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
