Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
