Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
