did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
