My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
