I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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