I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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