This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
