Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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