ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
