This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
