I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
