well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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