I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
