$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
