My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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