Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
