So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
