final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
