I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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