Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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