The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
