I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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