it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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