I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
