the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
