I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
