Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
