I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
