when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
