Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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