need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
