her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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