I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize